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Let's talk product placement and the contradictions
and conundra embodied therein.
If my RAM serves me well, the pioneer of 'the metaphysics
of branded goods' was Ian Fleming. In the James Bond
novels, mostly written in the 1950s, he used the minutiae
of his protagonist's patterns of consumption - his tastes
in food, drink, cars, cigarettes and even marmalade
- as an auxiliary means of defining the character. Like
everything else in his novels, the movies take this
to ridiculous extremes - whenever a new Bond flick is
announced, the papers are almost as interested in the
hero's latest car or watch as the fortunate thesps cast
as the new Big Bad Guy or Main Babe.
Occasionally, this undermines the character: in Tomorrow
Never Dies, a distressed Bond is shown, following the
violent demise of his latest sex poodle, schlumpfed
out in his hotel drinking Smirnoff Red neat and unchilled.
No, no, a thousand times no! As any vodkaphile could
tell you, Smirnoff Red is a cooking vodka that should
only be used in strongly flavoured cocktails. The only
Smirnoff fit to drink neat is the far superior Black.
Bond's losin' it large - unless this was the film maker's
way of telling us that 007 was sufficiently unsettled
to allow his standards to slip.
Product placement has never been a problem for Apple.
Remember Jeff Goldblum saving the world with a PowerBook
in Independence Day? Indeed, if you knew absolutely
nothing about the computer market, the depiction of
computer use in movies and TV might give you the impression
that at least half the world - the cool half, natch
- uses a Mac. (Does 007? Nah, he doesn't use a computer.
He leaves that key-tapping stuff to the Moneypennys
of this world.)
Case in point: everybody's favourite TV computer-geek-turned-lesbian-witch.
I refer, of course, to the sublime Willow, currently
in her sixth year as a cornerstone of the magnificent
Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Willow's digital mastery
is truly impressive, and whenever she goes online, you
know that the episode's plot will be materially advanced.
A map of the town's sewer system, wherein lurk vampires
and demons and all other manner of custom-made nasties?
Apply fingers to keys: rattle-rattle-rattle. There it
is. A quick hack into the Mayor's personal files? Rattle-rattle-rattle.
A unique magical artefact to be hunted down and purchased
from eBay? Rattle-rattle-rattle. Willow delivers once
again. Naturally, she does it all on a Mac. To be precise,
a rather nice Titanium PowerBook G4 complete with light-up
white logo, which has - or so my spies inform me - been
traded in, on the as-yet unseen-in-the-UK sixth season,
for a brand-new iBook. The Sunnydale High School library,
which serves as HQ for Buffy's posse in the first three
seasons, uses a PC network, but Willow's just as adept
on those and manages to hook her Mac into the library's
system with enviable ease.
Translation: cool loveable geeks use Macs, boring institutional
and corporate set-ups opt for PCs. Cue up Bowie's Rebel
Rebel. Yeah! Wick-id! We're the young generation and
we've got something to say! Think different!
With the global computer market in disarray, Apple
needs some new megamaxicool product placement happening
right away. All hands on deck! All Mac-using celebs
report pronto to the promo wizards for photography,
filming and soundbiting!
Now, who'd be good value? Stephen Fry? Forget it.
His PowerBook probably features the custom 'tweed' finish,
which sends entirely the wrong message for that wacky-but-thrusting
Ÿbergeek vibe. And Goldblum is so over. Who else?
Posh 'n' Becks? That could not only kill Apple, but
all computing. Which leaves J-Lo, Mr and Mrs Ritchie
(raspberry-coloured for the good lady, one presumes)
and Harry Potter, though not even Apple's marketing
whizzes could snare the latter into their corporate
net.
For now, thank whichever deities to which you pray
that it is not yet known that Osama bin Laden uses a
Mac. If this changes, expect the daisy-cutter carpet-bombing
of Cupertino any day. Happy New Year. As if.
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